This is the story of how Pastor Greg’s sermon (August 16) nailed me to the wall. Or maybe I should say, nailed me to my cross. Remember, Jesus said, “If anyone desires to come after me, let her deny herself, and take up her cross daily, and follow me” (Luke 9:23). Like Jesus, we must carry our own cross to the scene of execution, to the place where we will die to ourselves—again. Also like Jesus, sometimes we need someone to help us get there, whether Simon of Cyrene or our pastor or anyone else.
If we are carrying our cross daily, it will always be right
there handy when God tells us we need to die a little more.
I started my Sunday morning trusting God with everything in
me. I badly needed His help to sustain me through the day. I had been awake since 2:30
a.m. Most nights I wake up and can’t fall back to sleep for about three hours.
That night I hadn’t been able to go back to sleep at all.
I had received a text the night before, just as I was getting into bed. Someone who I’ve offered to help with her husband’s breathing difficulties had finally received the nebulizer she’d ordered per my instructions and was ready for me to mix up a saline/peroxide solution. My heart had sunk a little. Greg and I would be leaving on a business trip to the U.S. immediately after church, and I had so much to do to be ready to go. I thought maybe I should just tell this woman that her husband would have to wait until I got back.
But as I asked the Lord, He immediately reminded me that if I
want to emulate my heavenly Father, a foundational principle to bear in
mind—and to follow!—is to treat everyone the way I would want to be treated. If
I was struggling to breathe because an organism had
taken over in there (my diagnosis), and to have the nebulizer finally in hand,
it would be most discouraging to wait another week for the medicinal solution.
Before I got into the shower, I got out the things I needed,
mixed the food grade peroxide down from 35% to 1.5%, added 3 ml of that into 1/2 cup of distilled water, put it in a sterile jar and dated it. I share
these details to emphasize that a process that normally required all my
concentration was a real challenge with the battery in my brain so critically
low. I was almost at zero brain power.
We finally pulled out of the driveway almost an hour behind
schedule. I had the solution, along with a syringe and a small bottle of distilled water, in a gift bag. In my purse I had a large
container of homemade herbal capsules for a young woman who needed to do an
extended parasite cleanse. I had got that ready and put it in my purse several
days earlier so that I wouldn’t be subjecting myself to a last-minute rush. I
had ended up rushing anyway with last night’s order, and that had made my brain
more tired.
Halfway to town a text came in from the second woman. She had been camping with her kids and was too tired and too busy to come to church. She was wondering if I could bring the capsules to her house after church. I started to sputter frustration at my husband. This gal and I had had this discussion before: no, I do not have time to deliver remedies here and there.
Did she not think that I was busy too? Did she not think that I was
tired as well? I had an urge to tell her I’d been up since 2:30. Actually I had
an urge to say all kinds of things to her. All I said was, “Will your mom be
there today?” No, her mom was tired too.
I vented all my petty feelings at my husband. He wisely said
little. He knew that until I was open to hearing from God, I wouldn’t be able
to hear anything from anyone. I did want to hear from God. I knew that
my attitude did not align with His. But my attitude had me in a fierce grip.
By the time we got settled at church, the worship service
was underway. I didn’t feel much like worshipping, but I put myself in a
receptive attitude, whispering over and over, “Please help me, Lord.”
The young woman messaged me again, wondering what time I
would be dropping off, because she had gone to Walmart and didn’t want to miss
me. WHAT?! My careful filter fell right off. I texted her: “So if you
are out and about at Walmart, could you not swing by the church and get this?”
No, she couldn’t. She had gone to Walmart with a friend and didn’t want to ask
her to drive out of her way. But, she said, maybe she could drive over herself
when church was winding up. Okay, I thought, that’s more like it.
Pastor Greg was launching into his sermon. He was telling us
all about his recent holiday and then zeroed in on a very funny story. That is,
he was making a lot of people laugh, but it was clear to us that it was not at
all fun for him while it was happening. It was a very different story from what
I was currently struggling with, but there were distinct parallels in the
feelings and attitudes that had got stirred up in him.
I glanced at my husband and gave him the tiniest of grins.
He smiled back. Then I scowled and stuck my tongue out at him. We both laughed.
And all the while I kept silently asking the Lord, Please help me, Jesus.
My willingness to see things God’s way was like someone
opening a door into the dark room where I was sitting, opening it just a crack
at first, letting in a narrow shaft of light. Grace was starting to trickle in,
and the more I embraced the grace, the more of it came in, like sunshine
dispelling shadows.
Pastor Greg’s text was the first chapter of Philippians. I won’t even try to remember how he was tying in the various verses with his story; I was caught up in how God was tying it into mine.
“For I know that through … God’s provision of the Spirit of
Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance”
(v.19). As He always does, God would
work this out for my good, so long as I demonstrated my love for Him by
yielding my obedience to Him. (See Romans 8:28.)
“I eagerly expect and hope that I will in
no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage [sufficient humility was
what I needed here!] so that now as always Christ will be exalted [or
glorified] in my body…” (v.20).
“Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner
worthy of the gospel of Christ” (v.27, emphasis added). The manner in which I had been
responding to this irritating challenge was not worthy of the Good News about
Christ; this pettiness did not in any way reflect the glorious presence of
Christ in my life.
“For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only
to believe in him, but also to suffer for him.” How do we suffer for Christ?
The most central thing is that we must lay down our lives, as He did. Further
on in the book of Philippians, the Apostle Paul expresses his deepest desire: “That
I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His
sufferings, being conformed to His death” (3:10, NKJV). I, too, want to know
Jesus and the power of His resurrection. But I cannot have that without the
other.
The transfusion of grace was continuing to pour into my
heart. It was reviving the Spirit of Christ in me. The tide was turning.
Pastor Greg had left Verse 20 up on the screen for a
particularly long time. I had plenty of opportunity to consider how Christ
might be glorified in my body. It would be by my thinking thoughts, speaking
words, and doing actions that were all congruent with the character of God. He
certainly would not be exalted by my allowing any of my pettiness to be
expressed.
By the provision of God’s grace, I would bring my body and
my flesh into subjection to the obedience of Christ (2 Cor.10:4-5). I would
silence my inappropriate thoughts and feelings. I would refuse to speak words
that drew attention to me, my fatigue, my full schedule, my sacrifices on behalf of
others. And how about my actions? I would greet this young woman with a sincere hug, which
is not out of character with our usual relationship. I would treat her in every
way as I would want to be treated.
I glanced at the time. The service would be finished in ten
minutes. What a let-down it would be if, now that God had changed my heart, she
showed up at the church after all. I quickly texted; “We will come by when the
service is over.”
And so we did.
Just as Verse 19 had promised, what had happened to me had
turned out for my deliverance. I’d been delivered from my self. Through
my choosing humility, God was glorified in my thoughts, words, and actions. I
was able to conduct myself in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ (v.27).
At the beginning of the letter to the Philippians, Paul
greeted his readers (and that included me): “Grace and peace to you from God
our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ” (v.2). In the course of Pastor Greg’s
sermon, grace and peace had been imparted to me, abundantly.
There is an important footnote to end with. You might think
that the next time I run up against my carnality, it will be the same kind of
exercise all over again. Not so. “When we confess our sins”—our weaknesses, our
shortcomings—“he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us
from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9, KJV). I am not just forgiven and
restored in grace and peace, but God has been able to cleanse me a little more deeply.
The image of Christ is engraved a little more clearly in my soul.
